9 pieces of advice from psychologist Chen Mo on raising children to adulthood during adolescence

Why is it that the more thoughtful parents arrange for their children, the more ungrateful they are?Why do children sulk when it comes to learning?What can be done to motivate children to learn on their own?Today, we share an article by child psychologist, Mr. Chen Mo, with nine questions that can give parents some ideas.01 What do the physical changes in children really mean?When a child is developing rapidly physically, there will be psychological changes.Imagine what a boy thinks when he grows as tall as his father: Hey, hey, don’t you dare hit me!

Then there are the exceptionally thin boys and the exceptionally fat girls, whose usual distress may come from their size.

This is when parents are careful never to comment on their child’s physical signs.

For example, “My daughter is good at everything, but her eyes are a bit small.”

For boys, the earlier the head and facial features tend to become adult, the better it is for them to settle down and have leadership potential among their peers.

But the opposite is true for girls.

A boy who is a good student but can’t beat other boys in arm wrestling may be in a bad mood and feel that girls will look down on him.

So if parents know what their child is struggling with, they can talk to him and say.

In this day and age, academic ability is more important, and you are very good at it and should be totally proud of it.

02What about early love?

Many parents worry about early love in junior school.

The concept of early love is not really there. Is any relationship without getting paid called early love?

Parents are assured that at this age, children can’t fall in love, but high school students will, don’t you see it’s only 3 years away.

But children will imitate.

So what should parents do? We can say this to the child

“Son, at your age you are meant to learn about social interaction. Tell mum, how many good buddies do you have?” “I have a lot of buddies, seven or eight.” “What about friends of the opposite sex?” “One.” “How come there’s only one? No, mum wants more, you should have more friends now.”

The advantage of saying this is that the child sees making friends as something he should do.

Nothing will happen to a boy if he goes out with more than one friend of the opposite sex.

There is one thing that mothers must do when girls reach this age, and it is very important – tell your child how to prevent others from sexually harassing them.

For example, tell your daughter that when she is in a room with a person of the opposite sex, no matter who he is, she must not let him get physically close to you!

There are parts of your body that others are not allowed to touch, the parts where you wear underwear, and if someone touches them, you must scream and push them away.

If this is taught well, boys and girls will be fine with each other.

03How can I encourage my child to read?

The highest memory capacity in a person’s life is during adolescence.

So, make sure you encourage your child to read! How do you mean encourage?

“How about you stop playing with your phone, stop playing with your computer and read more books!”

This is not encouragement, the child will resent it and think what’s wrong with you like to read and I like to play with my phone?

Parents should say.

Child, the peak of human memory capacity is in adolescence, what you read is never forgotten for the rest of your life, like at mum and dad’s age, what you read is forgotten before you read it, what we sometimes remember is what we read in adolescence.

That’s why Mum and Dad want you to read more, it will be good for you throughout your life.

04 Is the biggest resistance to children growing up their parents?

The mood of adolescent children is characterised by very high fluctuations, because of the hormones that are secreted and a great deal of inner restlessness.

The foreign approach is to give the child plenty of physical activity to let off steam.

But our children, no different from adults, just sit around, at most two PE lessons a week.

If restlessness is repressed, it is not a good thing, it will find an outlet.

The moods of adolescent children are often at two extremes: sometimes very excited, sometimes very depressed.

The reason for this is that they are entering a “second period of rebellion” (the first one is at the age of two or three).

Both periods of rebellion are about the search for autonomy, the first for physical autonomy and the second for mental autonomy.

At this age, the child is already seen by society as an older child, and he himself has to seek such psychological confirmation.

It is a proposition that people grow up, but growing up is difficult.

Parents have always been a resistance to their children growing up, especially parents of only children, only you don’t even feel it yourself.

Many of the problems of an only child are due to parents who don’t allow him to grow up.

What is the highest sign of growing up? It is choice.

In theory, from 0-6 years old, the parents control; from 6-12 years old, joint control; after 12 years old, the child controls himself.

“Growing up” is a necessity, and if you let what is necessary not get done, there is bound to be trouble.

When a person does not feel that his environment allows him to grow up, what can he do? Resist!

The battle must be fought to make him grow up.

So here comes the trouble.

The parent says east, the child says west, and if the parent uses force at this time to get the child to go east, rest assured that you cannot beat him, I have seen too many examples of this.

The wise parent is the one who says neither East nor West, but says to the child it’s your own business, you decide for yourself.

The child will definitely choose East because he knows that East is the good place and he didn’t choose East before because you chose it.

Apart from the hard rebellion, there is also soft rebellion.

The child doesn’t resist you directly, but it’s like the fire has gone out and he can’t get up for anything.

There are also those who don’t fight hard or soft, they just move on, play games every day and ignore you.

So, don’t fight this battle with your child, you will definitely lose.

If parents are a heavy concrete slab on top of the child, the child will grow up, and if he cannot penetrate the slab, he will grow up crooked.

Letting go and letting the child grow up is supposed to be our aim, but many parents understand the reasoning, but it is hard to do it.

So mothers are reminded that they must grow up together with their children, and in this regard, dads tend to do a little better.

05 How ‘deadly’ are children’s peer relationships?

The word I use is “deadly”.

He can die for this stuff, he can stay out of school for this stuff, it’s normal, you can’t understand it.

Because at this age, he knows who he is by synthesising what his peers say about him.

What his peers say about him is weighted at 70%, what you say about him is not important.

We sometimes make mistakes without knowing.

For example, if a child has made a friend and is very close, you ask.

“What are your grades like for this friend?” “Second to last in our class.” “Son, don’t play with him, it’s no good.”

Some teachers will deal with this too, but it will not end well.

What should be done “How are your grades with this friend?” “Second from the bottom of the class.” “Son, is it buddy, if it’s buddy, pull someone up. You’re second and he’s second to last, help him out more, they’re all in the top five, isn’t that great?”

Isn’t a child helping a friend the same as reviewing it yourself? Children teaching children works very well.

So make sure you pay attention to your child’s peer relationships, it’s very important, whether they are happy or not is it, whether they want to go to school or not is also it.

Once I went to a school and asked a class of first year students: Why do you want to study?

Some replied “for my mother” and some replied “for the school board”.

The parents said that they usually told him that competition was so fierce, that he should study hard, that he should study hard to go to a good university, that he could have a good job after graduation, and that he could have a good job to have a good life.

The child asked what was considered a good life. The parents said that it was probably having a house and a car.

The child says, “So now you have a house and a car.

There are four problems in the mind of a child at this age, and if you overcome these four problems, the child will burst out with a very strong motivation to learn –

06 What is the point of studying?

There is no point in reading, sometimes instead it is just a matter of having no desire.

You say to your child that there are people and animals on earth, look at the life of a cat.

What cats did a thousand years ago and what they still do now, but people are different.

Man lives a creative life because he learns. Nature has given him a brain to learn, and classroom learning is a narrow part of it.

You don’t have to learn, it’s the same as a cat or dog coming into the world.

07 What is the use of learning?

Classroom learning is training the mind, and the mind is trained to a high level.

If you go to the countryside, find an old woman about my age and ask her the same question, then you will see the difference.

I know trigonometry, I know analytical geometry, I know the relationship between variables.

If you were asked to take one of these two old women back, which one would you take?

08 It’s not that I don’t want to learn, but learning is too hard.

Children, suffering is an emotion, a feeling caused by thoughts, not by things. It is the thoughts that need to be changed.

For example, a man invites you and a monk to have dinner together, and the table is full of vegetables.

The monk looks at it and thinks that this person is showing me too much respect.

You look at it and think, “What do you mean, you’re inviting me to a meal full of vegetables!

It’s the same thing, it’s because the idea is different, two people react differently.

Unlike animals, people have fun when they cultivate and reap what they sow.

There is no greater reflection of the rewards of ploughing than learning in the classroom, and that is the joy of man.

09 What can be said about the billionaire who didn’t graduate from primary school?

The first is the drive to invest, the second is the ability to take action, and the third is the ability to share 400,000 with a million.

There are more people who have not graduated from primary school and live a hard life.

People have two parts to enjoy, material and spiritual, while animals only have material enjoyment. Parents should not put utilitarian things on their children.

Four tips for communicating correctly with your child.

Some children change a lot when they reach puberty, and their love of talking suddenly becomes less talkative.

It is important to communicate with your child in the right way.

A Talk less. Communicate with your adolescent child in fewer words, as he will block you out and not listen.

B Listen properly.When your child is talking to you, stop what you are doing and listen to him carefully without interrupting, and afterwards summarise and check if you have misunderstood him.

C Ask normal questions.If your child tells you a lie, you must be incapable of listening to the truth.

So what is the right attitude for parents to take?

The attitude of asking is to help him, not to interrogate him.

Disarm his psychological defences.

Keep his confidentiality, no matter what he says.

D Talking with empathy.Why do some children prefer to talk to others and not to their parents?

There must be something wrong with the way the parents talk.

When you talk to anyone, you must express understanding and empathy for the other person’s emotions, not analysis of what is right or wrong.

Everyone is capable of solving problems on their own, if you empathise with them and give them strength.

If you parents can’t learn, I’ll teach you the easiest way, whatever your child says, you reply.

“Oh, that’s right ……” and “Oh, that’s right ……”

Nine tips for parents of adolescent children.

01 Facing test scores correctly,Test scores are a goal and a strategy for us parents, but many parents always hang on to this, wanting to be quick and not wise. Facing test scores correctly –

Do well on the test, well, yes, you can and you should.

Do badly on the exam, take care.

In such a situation, when he returns home after a bad exam, home is supposed to have a healing function.

At this time you have to reassure him: victory and defeat are commonplace in the military, this little failure is nothing, let’s find out why ……

02 Recognize your child’s efforts,Don’t deny your child and don’t say he doesn’t try hard.

Many parents often say in front of their relatives.

“My child is very smart, if only he had tried harder.”

This really must not be the case.

03 Creating a harmonious family atmosphere.Bad moods cause learning problems and are reversible.Remember the four words, “peace of mind” when your child is studying.

It is very common for couples to be at odds with each other and mothers need to be aware that you have a great responsibility.

Because children and their mothers are naturally close, children are born to fight for their mothers. When couples fight, if the mother wins, nothing will happen, but unfortunately the mother will not win ……

If after a fight, the mother is in a bad mood and still complains to her child: it’s all for you, otherwise she would have divorced him long ago.

In this way, the child will attribute to himself the reason for his mother’s unhappiness.

04 Do not compare your child with others,Always praise your child in front of outsiders.

When a group of mothers are talking together, they are bound to bring up their own children, and if they talk about them in a bad way, the children will be hurt if they hear it.

If the subject comes up, the mother must change the subject.

05 Encourage your child in a positive way.

To get along well with your teenage child, remember one thing: trust him or her.

There is a process for your child to improve, from 25% to 50% to 75% to 100%. If you always really believe in him, he will tell you one day that he has grown up.

06 Appreciate your own child.

A child that the whole world can do without, a mother can’t do without him.

But many mothers have said something like, if you are so and so, mummy won’t want you.

It hurts and hurts the child for the mother to say such things.

Don’t pick on your daughter all the time and don’t wind up like a vine with your son.

The child is looking at his mother with his subconscious mind, and all children in heaven would be willing to sacrifice for their mother.

07 Encourage your child to help others.

If you want your child to be very competitive, encourage him to help others.

Many of us parents are only capable of raising competitive children, not competitive children.

What kind of child is competitive?

You should always say to your child that you need to see if others need help and to help others.

When a child is paying attention to see how he can help others, he will feel competent and the feedback he gets from others will be positive.

We always tell our children to get more marks and to surpass so-and-so, but precisely this does not develop a sense of competitiveness, only a sense of competition.

One day when he meets a rival he cannot surpass, his spirit will disintegrate.

08 Overcoming your own anxiety.

The mother’s emotions are connected to her child.

An anxious mum is always talking about exams, and once a person is anxious, it is difficult to commit.

09 Handling online games properly.

Don’t put a hat on your child so easily – my child is addicted to the internet.

Addiction is not that simple, it’s just a matter of time allocation for the child.

Whenever parents say “no mobile phones”, the child will touch the phone and refuse to let go, and will play as soon as the opportunity arises.

The only way to do this is to make it a contract with your child: it’s okay to play, but you have to agree on the time and take responsibility for breaking the contract.